Hope

Isaiah 43 tells us "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior".

Now at first I can just close my eyes and let that sweep over me and give it a big 'ol Amen! Then I think..wait.. hold up.. WHEN I pass through the waters? WHEN I walk through the fire?? Not even an "if"? Oh man.. how about.. when you gently float over the water and maybe the water has a few waves that rock the boat just a little. Or walk AROUND the fire.. you know, so you feel a little warmth, but not too much!
No. God tells us there's going to be trials. He makes no promises that just because we believe in Him that we're going to just float along easily. That's not how life works.

It's so easy to get caught up in our fear, our anxiety, our despair, isn't it? It's like, when things are going well we're all - God can deliver us! We have hope in Him! Then BAM a trial comes along and life get's tough and dark and ugly. Do we still proclaim His name, or do we stop swimming and start sinking, letting ourselves go below the waters depth? I'll be honest with you, I have stopped swimming so many times. Life felt impossible and I started to sink. And he reached in, and pulled me back out.. and said "I've got you."

"You are closer than this breath that I take"

This Is The Year... no really!

Let me just begin by saying that I'm really not a big "New Years Resolution" kinda girl. It's actually the sort of thing that I roll my eyes at when other people excitedly tell me about how they're going to lose weight THIS YEAR! Yeah... okay. I'll join you for a row of Oreos on February first, friend.

But for some reason, this year just feels different.

I am determined to figure some stuff out this year. I've never been a person who is comfortable in their own skin - neither about my looks nor a confidence in who I am. And twenty some-odd years later, marriage, and four kids, I still am not. In fact, I think I've completely lost sight of knowing who or what that even is. Maybe it's my twenties creeping to an end, maybe it's the knowledge that I am under no circumstances having any more babies, and maybe it's the nostalgia of it being January.. but this year, I will get there. Even if it's just a little.

I am going to find my voice.

I am going to have confidence.

I am going to know who I am, and be okay with it.

This past year I spent a lot of time thinking and reading about vulnerability. Brene Brown's book "Daring Greatly" just knocked it out of the park for me. I have been referred to in a half joking way, as "The Ice Princess" because I just don't really react emotionally very much. But I'll let you in on a little secret.. it's all a façade. Much like a duck floating on down the river, seemlingly cool as a cucumber just floating along expressionless; but underneath the water's veil those little legs are furiously working, kicking away to keep him afloat. I am the duck. Hear me quack.

For whatever reason I've always kept emotional matters a safe arms length away from me, but I'm learning that this is really not the healthiest way to go about life. The more my kids are growing up, the more I realize I've got to get my crazy under control if there's any hope of raising them to be half way sane, functioning adults, right?

So come on this journey with me, friend. We will figure it out together.